Recently, I have really been wrestling with the fact that my natural wiring lends me to be a "hot mess".
Yesterday morning, I drove to work with tears streaming down my face over happy things and things I was relieved about. I cried over a gift that was left for me on my desk. And then, later in the day and evening, I cried....ok...sobbed...over some really hard things.
Being a sensitive, empathetic female in my profession is hard. Who am I kidding? Being a sensitive, empathetic female is hard no matter where I am. I have been called "cry baby"...."brat"..."overemotional"...."oversensitive"..."weakling" and many more. I have been looked down upon by people who can "get themselves under control".
For awhile, all of this led me to a place of hard-hearted anger. I don't want to write about that now. I will later when I am ready.
Now I am on a journey to healing and wholeness that has been life changing. But that journey has seemed to open up the wellspring of emotions that I have been stuffing for a long time. They sneak up on me at the most inopportune times. And leave me feeling like a Hot Mess.
This morning, as I was trying to put words to my feelings, I found this quote on Pinterest:
Highly sensitive people are often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a sign of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as a 'hot mess' or having 'too many issues' are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be afraid to let your tears shine a light in this world.
- Anton St Maarten
There it is. I read this and breathed out. And then I cried. (oh the irony)
Today, I will meditate on this. I will feel what I feel and work on remaining soft hearted and authentic.
peace, love, and all the feels,